Utilizing the Village Around Me

Raven Smith, originally from Philadelphia but currently residing in Maryland sits down with us to talk about her struggles with motherhood and how she learned to overcome and conquer the fear of asking for help from the people around her

In between working as a Business Analyst at the Center for Medicare and Medicaid Services, and raising three young children, Smith continues her journey of self-discovery, self-love, and self-patience. 

Q: How is motherhood, overall, going for you right now?

Smith: It's going! My youngest just had surgery on his skull three weeks ago due to the sutures in his brain fusing early. And before that, it's been interesting just trying to find that balance and continue to find out who I am and find things that I like again while still trying to work out mom life. And then my four-year-old is now playing baseball, so he's involved in activities. And the activities continue still once we get home because four-year old’s are not tired after being outdoors all day! When daycares close, just trying to find that balance between working and having the kids home and finding activities and stuff for them to do.

Q: What does Balanced Working Mama mean to you and how has Balanced Working Mama impacted your life?

Smith: It has is impacted my life tremendously. Before doing so, I went through the six-week program with Dr. Amber. And before that… I don't know how I was surviving. There was no ‘me’. There was nothing that I liked to do. I literally was with my children all day and all night, outside of them being in daycare. Whereas now, I've just realized that it's okay to not know all the answers. It's okay to not be okay. I used to strive to be this perfect mom. And I don't care about being a perfect mom anymore. As long as I am the best mom for my children, that's all that's important to me. 

Balanced Working Mama means having that level field of being able to work when I'm working and being mom when I'm mom. And thankfully now with my job as well, the line is very clear. Besides when my children are home from daycare, the line is very clear. Once I'm done with work, I will close my laptop and I'm done. And then I'm in mommy mode. I'm not expected to continue to work. ‘Oh, I know you're clocked out but there's still an assignment that I need to do.’ No. There's none of that. I close my laptop and then I'm done until I log back in tomorrow, which I appreciate so much.

 And then my children when they are Home, it's just me telling them, ‘Hey, Mom has to work.’ and I'll do my meetings, and stuff like that. Whereas before, I may have canceled the meeting, or tried to do it later at night or early in the morning. Now, just letting them know - since my son loves Target - ‘Hey, Mom has to work…you want to go to Target? After work, you can go to Target.’

“I think that's the stigma in the Black community as the Black mom. Society puts it on us that we are required to do all the things and be a strong Black woman and I don't want to be a strong black woman. I'm 100% okay with not being too strong because sometimes it's okay to ask for help. We don't always have to be so strong.”

Q: What have been some struggles or challenges you've experienced so far in your motherhood journey?

Smith: My biggest struggle or challenge is admitting that I need help. My husband is amazing. He's an amazing father, he's an amazing husband… but I often don't ask him for help. So, he doesn't know I need help. His thing is “well you just do it…so how am I supposed to know you need help.” Just acknowledging that he's not a mind reader, and if I if I need help, I need to tell him that I need help. So that has been the biggest struggle. Thinking that I can do it all by myself. And I don't have to! Trying to tell myself that it's okay to not be able to do it all by myself, that it doesn't make me any weaker or any stronger, that I am asking for help. And not just my husband, but also my village. M sister, the daycare provider who's more like family, my mom, my dad. Just asking them, ‘Hey, could you take the boys for a couple hours? Could you take the boys through the day?’ And not being ashamed of feeling like I have to ask.

And I think that's the stigma in the black community as the black mom. Society puts it on us that we are required to do all the things and be a strong black woman. And I don't want to be a strong black woman. %100 I'm okay with not being too strong because sometimes it's okay to ask for help. We don't always have to be so strong. It's fine.

Raven Smith’s 3 children.

Q: What are some things you've actively worked on, changed or transformed as you've moved forward in your motherhood?

Smith: So I touched on it a little bit before, but asking my husband for help, for sure. Letting him know that he is needed and taking me time outside of the house. My birthday was the 16th and my husband got me a hotel room in the city and it was a staycation of just me enjoying my time…and I didn't feel guilty about it! I was just taking that time to just enjoy not having to get up in the middle of the night and I haven't cooked for anybody or cleaned up…I was just at peace. And once I came back, you know, I was refreshed. I filled up my cup, so now I'm able to pour it into them. 

Want to learn how you can became a Balanced Working Mama?

Q: What's the biggest lesson you've learned, or what has stood out to you the most as you've worked to redefine your motherhood journey?

Smith: That is hard. Um, it would be easier to just keep things the way they are because you're used to it. You're in a pattern. But you’re also like ‘no, I'm going to change it now.’ It's hard upfront, but hopefully in the long run, it'll get easier. And it'll make me more comfortable. That has been the biggest thing.

Q: Has community played a role in how you navigate motherhood right now? And if so, how?

Smith: Yes. Just utilizing the people that I trust with my children. It's not a long list but allowing them to step in. Like my sister, she watched the boys for a few hours while I went to go get my hair done. And before I would have tried to leave them in a daycare, and then try to run back quickly. But I didn't have to rush. Just allowing her to take him. My son is on leave right now from school, but our daycare provider said, “If you want to bring him in just for a day, you can bring him in for a day.” So today, guess where he is? Because I trust them, and I know that they're going to do everything that I would do for my son. So just utilizing them, allowing them to step in for a couple hours a day, or whatever it is. 

Q: What words of encouragement, wisdom or helpful advice would you pass on to another mom who may be struggling right now?

Smith: Keep going. It may be hard up front, but it gets easier. So don't give up. Take it easy on yourself. You're only human you know. You're a mom, this is the first time you've ever been a mom. You may have multiple kids, but you've never had this kid before. This kid may be different than your kids before. So take it easy on yourself. Give yourself credit. You're the best mom for your kid. And just always make sure you take that time for you as well.

Hi there! I’m Dr. Amber Thornton.

I’m a Clinical Psychologist, Motherhood Wellness Consultant, wife, and mama to 2 amazing little ones.

My mission is simple: to help working mothers balance work, motherhood, and wellness. I want to completely change the narrative of what is possible for working mothers.

Learn more about how we can work together!